Nocyclopedia/Alphabet

The alphabet (ei bi si di eeeeee ef yi eich ai yei cai el em en ou pi qui ar es ti llu kyi dllu ex guay si) was invented and put into soup in 1066 by Vanna White to satisfy the hunger of her evil Mongolian overlord Pat Sajak. In order to save time it was arranged in alphabetical order.

Linguistic definition and context
Originally the idea was that Alpha 5 would make a bet with Zordon that he couldn't find 5 humans in 5 different colors. When he failed to find a smurf to be the blue ranger, Pat Sajak invaded and devoured the lot of them, including lobster-red Jason who seriously needed to be basted in sunscreen first.

History
First designed by Scrabble, the Alphabet was later turned into a wall of letters so Vanna could turn them on.



Consonants
Consonants were designed by MacGyver in 1278, during an episode of the eponymous TV show. Using only the 9 vowels of the Swedish alphabet, some baking soda and duct tape, he was able to give birth to 252 different consonants, most of which were immediately eaten by the post-orgasmic MacGyver.

The surviving consonants banded together to form the United States of Vrdlmskrvjnkprldjck, where they free from suppression of the royalist vowels could frolic and life was good indeed. But in 2004 the re-elected president GWb canceled MacGyver and over 70% of the consonants committed honorable suicide. The United Nations are currently in argument with the consonant-rich Soviet Onion to purchase enough letters to re-stock the Esperanto alphabet.

Since consonants can only breed with vowels, and since MacGyver is gone forever, there is a very real fear that letters will soon become extinct. We live in uncertain times.

Vowels
Vowels spontaneously sprung into existence approximately 0.001 after an Glsh mn cldnt fnsh _ scntnc crrctl. Thus, vowels were born. They are considered the first undetermined particles and it's widely believed the Dashboard Confessional song Mmm mmm mmm mmm, which consists entirely of vowels, reflects the fundamental vibrations of superstrings. Without vowels, every word we know would be impossible to pronounce (except maybe "fly" and "cwm," but who the Hell can pronounce that?), and our alphabet would just be b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, m, n, p, q, r, s, t, v, w, x, smtms y, nd z. And of course the English don't follow their own language rules anyway, eg. "i" before "e" except after "c", then we have words like "seir" which has "ei" in it and no "c" before it. Stupid English.

The key board is the correct alphabet Q,W,E,R,T,Y,U,I,O,P,A,S,D,F,G,H,J,K,L,;,Z,X,C,V,B,N,M,<,>, And ?

The Letter X
Contrary to popular belief, x has not always been used in the alphabet. 25 was the original number of letters. But, in order to compete with the Chinese Alphabet, the useless letter x was added. It's not all bad, however, many experts like the look of the x in their titles. Experts doesn't look as cool. Who would want to play a unpopular instrument like the xylophone? The xylophone is much more existing...or... exciting.

Antemology and spelling
The modern term alphabet has its origin in Las Vegas, and was originally used in 1903 to classify all initial bets placed in a game, as follows:


 * O: A whopping huge bet that makes the viewing audience go "OOOOH!" in rapt appreciation.
 * B: A large and bold bet that literally screams "I EXIST; pH33r mah ussr 5\<Illz!" to the world.
 * A: A strong and aggressive bet that is adequate for all seasons.
 * F: A perfectly fine bet of sufficient boldness, but somewhat timid in the long run.
 * G: A weak little girlie bet, unworthy of serious consideration.
 * K: A delicate smooch casually laid down upon the table (primarily used to annoy other gamblers).
 * M: A completely worthless bet which displays a newbie's inherent sense of self-preservation.
 * yesterdays old meatloaf: A bet only accepted in crazy countries like China, England, and Hobbiton.

The term was later adapted for use in the dangerous game of Ultimate Truths & Dares; someone might alphabet you can’t slam your hand in a car door, for example. It is ok to refuse an alphabet, but if someone betabets you, the stakes can get much much higher.

It is not, as the myth commonly goes, derived from the first two Greek letters, alpha and beta, because if that was the case, it would be alphabeta wouldn't it? Duuh!

The renowned linguistics expert John "Don't quote me on this" Smith gives the full story:

''Few historians realize how important the Guttenberg press was to the alphabet. Steve Guttenberg created the Guttenberg press after creating that darned robot who needed input. The original alphabet is as used in English, however as the Guttenberg press was shipped eastwards across Europe and Asia, unavoidable damage was caused to the letters. Umlauts, accents, circumflexes and other derivations began to appear in nearby countries as a result of mishandling, spinning, folding and mutilating. As the press was copied and shipped further, the errors multiplied. Many European languages had strange looking question marks and quotation marks. Russian alphabets show an extreme case of damage, with many of the pieces of the original Gutenberg press obviously being shipped upside down or broken and then poorly reassembled by Russian serfs.

Russia was not the worst hit. Due to a horrendous accident in the middle east, the Arabic alphabet actually consists of the doodles of a bored clerk in a storage facility where the Gutenberg press was being held due to customs forms being filled out incorrectly. Similar incidents occurred across India.

The last to receive the Gutenberg press were the Chinese. Unfortunately they did not receive a complete single set, but instead cobbled the press together from a series of junkyard sales. The letters had been exposed to extreme weather conditions and then re-drawn by small children into picture of their friends and family. As the population of China was even then quite large, there were a lot of friends and family, hence the large number of pictographic derived characters in the Chinese character set. Though not strictly an alphabet, the characters do look pretty cool on t-shirts or as tattoos.

Japan copied the Chinese characters and added a new alphabet based on engineering designs from Fujitsu. Later Japan imported a nearly intact Gutenberg press however the R and L characters had been swapped.

In disgust and a kind of childish desire to create their own t-shirts, Korea redesigned these symbols to be a proper alphabet, consisting of circles, lines and coded messages to relatives in North Korea.''

Lately it has been discovered that the Alphabet backwards (zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcda) is Tebahpla. This is an ancient Egyptian word for "hamburgers". After figuring out this mystery, several professional archaeologists banged their heads on the wall because it took them this long.