Nocyclopedia/Fire

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Fire   “Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day - set a man on fire and he won't feel cold for the rest of his life.” ~  Oscar Wilde  on fire

 “Fire is hot.” ~  Captain Obvious  on fire

 “Fire washes the skin off the bone and the sin off the soul. It cleans away the dirt. And my momma didn't raise herself no dirty boy.” ~ Franko Tildon on fire

Fire is arguably the most important discovery of the 18th millenia BC. Shortly after being invented in Doggerland  by  Ugg Gumb  in around 17500 BC, fire was officially banned under the Paleolithic Copyrights, Designs and Patents Act for being too similar to an idea in a atlatl/ tensed animal hide  song by one-hit-wonders, The Troglodytes. After an appeal in 16891 BC, the Troglodytes heirs received a cash (well, at least food)settlement, the ban was lifted. Fire was then ordered confined to a small cottage in what is today southeast Europe for study where, after much experimentation, it attained fame as a universal problem solver. It was then released to the general public. Poop was then submitted to be for fire.

It then spread like wildfire, literally. Fire currently holds the official title of “ the greatest thing before  sliced bread ”, and is most famous for its popular application in making  burgers, which are widely held as one of the greatest foods.

 Contents [hide]   1 A Brief History of Fire   2 Initial Reaction to Fire   2.1 Views on Fire in The Modern Age  <li class="toclevel-1"> 3 Fire--The Universal Problem Solver </li> <li class="toclevel-1"> 4 So...Pretty... </li> <li class="toclevel-1"> 5 ARGH!!!! </li> <li class="toclevel-1"> 6 Satan and Fire </li> <li class="toclevel-1"> 7 See also </li> </ul>

<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">A Brief History of Fire
While Ugg the Mastermind perfected fire, he did not create it. In fact, man had nothing to do with the original taming of the wonder substance at all. Numerous theories abound about how fire came to be in the possession of mere mortals, including the wildest hypotheses, ranging from " aliens  did it " to " lightning  struck a tree" to "flying narwhals"--But the truth is far different. Prometheus, possessor of stupidity  foresight, descended from Mount Olympus to give man  a gift of the Gods. He stole this Fire from Hades, who is the God of Hell Fire. Man, being still a total n00b  in this harsh world, promptly killed himself while misusing fire. Zeus's anger at Prometheus was kindled, and he chained him to a mountain where crows would descend upon him and devour his kidneys for eternity. Or something like that. Eventually, Ugg came to learn of this fire and taught himself how to wield it, becoming a master fire wielder. (He did so because he misplaced his club in his pile of mammoth hides.) His first use of fire was to set his shrewish, nagging wife  ablaze. For decades after, the sole use of fire was to whack  an annoying spouse. However, Ugg realized its true potential--fire was the universal problem solver, and could be used in any situation. From that day forward, fire took a place in the lives of humans, never to be replaced. Ever.

<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">Initial Reaction to Fire
The daily popular science and history magazine Doggerland Chronicles wisely had this to say about this ingenious new invention in their special 17473 B.C. issue, written directly on cave walls all across todays Europe, northwest Asia and northern Africa:

In the issue, Doggerland Chronicles also interviewed two oddly dressed youngsters bearing the seemingly anachronistic names Bill and Ted  on what they thought about the new invention:
 * “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude, this new invention they call fire is the coolest thing since the quantum computer was invented! It's really going to change everything now! Whoever invented it is going to get himself lots of dineros, fast cars and babes. By the way dude, you don't happen to know which year it is now? It surely doesn't look like the year 2135 AD to me...”

It would not take long before fire could be serially manufactured, and by the early Mesolithic the prizes for flint and amadou had dropped by 80 percent and could now be bought cheaply in your local trading hut for as little as five apples or one mere salmon. When fire was made popular in the 16th millenia B.C., little was known about it except that, it kept you warm, scared away animals, made food taste less of stomach ache but more of burning and that if it got too big and attacked you, you could extinguish it with pee or spit. It was not long before the apparent problems caused by the new invention began to surface, as described by the great shaman, toolsman and philosopher Trogloditus 2000 years later:
 * “What is happening to our young people? They set fire to their elders, they burn the houses of the parents. They lit the forests and drives the beasts we hunt away with their torches. They ignore the gods. They riot in the caves inflamed with wild notions, setting everything in sight ablaze. Their morals are decaying because of this devilish contrivance they call fire.”

In one caveman community, the two dwellers Jakkú and Bãshka had this to say to Doggerland Chronicles about fire:

"Ug, ow, crap, I'm on fire, I'm bloody on fire! Somebody help! I'm completely on f....."

The interviewer, stopped here as he realised the ridiculousness of this whole situation. He might have survived, had it only been discovered that fire can be extinguished by water  a few centuries earlier than it later happened.

<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">Views on Fire in The Modern Age
Fire fell briefly out of favour in the Victorian age when steam was discovered to be more useful, became briefly more popular from 1914 to 1945 when it was discovered to be good at killing German people, before being forgotten again in the 60's and 70's whe it was discovered that smoke from some plants could make you feel happy, say "wow' a lot and actually think that Jethro Tull is good. However, thanks to immensely popular people like Mary Whitehouse and Margaret Thatcher, drugs become hated and have now fallen completely out of use. this paved the path for fire's triumphant return to the mainstream. Fire was brought back in 1982 by a frenzied advertising blitz in Europe and the USA with slogans such as "fire, the burning stuff" and "give a damn, light a fire". it was also endorsed by a number of celebrities, and was referred to everywhere in the showbiz scene of that time. This was one of the most popular jokes at the time. Some modern experts also consider fire the most delicious thing ever created. Unfortunately, all these experts have quickly died out of what was obviously a case of excessive enjoyment.

<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">Fire--The Universal Problem Solver
From the early days of fire when wife-burning  was insanely  popular, to today where it is still  very widely used , fire has expanded its  repertoire of uses. In fact, fire can be used for any situation, any time. ANY situation. Say you're being chased by rioting French Eco-Nazis AND radioactive flying weasels AND zombie bananas from the Hindenburg full of Assium  AND gay faggot cows from planet OinkLlamaSprinkleWinkleWhee AND giant bouncy fossilized titanium balls AND protesting army solidiers in Iraq threatening to cause Armageddon by the use of stainless steel mine grenades placed in the Great Pyramid and Niagra Falls and the 7 wonders AND fat midget ass-shaped aliens from Uranus. Fire can ease your plight. Hungry? Try fire, you'll find it rather spicy. Looking for a good time? " Come on baby, light my fire. " Someone committed heresy? Fire specializes in witch burnings (and teacher burnings).If you want to make anything extreme, add fire. Extreme football? Light the football on fire. Extreme jump-roping? Light the jumprope on fire. Extreme studying? Light the nerds on fire. Got fired? Fire the fuckin bitch back (with all your power, get a big bad-ass superpower flamethrower and TORCH the fuckin bitch!!!). Tsunami? Ha ha, yer screwed. However, these are all secondary uses. The most important  function of fire is to kill yourself with.

obviously...

<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">So...Pretty...
''Beautiful fire ... glow ... so pretty ... such beauty ... orange light dances across my face ... warms my soul to the very core ... dancing ... seduction ... her light ... it draws me in ... she flickers innocently ... tempting me ... such beauty ... warmth caresses me ... caresses my face ... her beauty ... would that it be mine ... dare I ... dare I caress her sweet flame ... dare I caress her back ... I want you ... so much ... let me ... let me take you ... oh ... yes ... oh, yes ... you feel ... you feel so ... So ... cooold....?''

<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">ARGH!!!!
<blockquote style="margin: 0.4em 1em .8em 0; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20" class="quote"> “THAT'S HOT!!!” ~  Paris Hilton  on fire <blockquote style="margin: 0.4em 1em .8em 0; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20" class="quote"> “The way I feel, I don't expect to go to sleep for a year. I'm on fucking fire!” ~  Terence McKenna  on fire ''' AAUGH! Hot, hot, hot, AAAAAAAAA!  ARRGGH! How can something so right feel so wrong!? Oh, ow, ow, ow, GHAAAAA!!!! Off, off, Get it off, Aaaaaaaarrgggh!!! The pain, oh, AAAAA! It BURNSSS! Get it off! ARRGGHH! GAA! Help, help, the fire! it hurts me! Fire! My skin charring, pain! Oh, pain! Fire! Fire! Oh, pain, hot, HOT, HOT!!!!! AAA!!!!! Please, make it stop! Make the pain stop!!!! AARRGGH! No! No! Stop the burning!!! Stop it! Hurts... please... it BURNS!!! My face, on fire!! Oh, make it STOP!' Dying, can't... go... on... gheh.''

<span class="references-small" style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">Satan and Fire
Satan and fire used to be very close with each other. Fire and Satan would do everything together, give people AIDS, cause global warming, fire their lasers  in enemy territories shouting, "I'm in your base killin' your dudes!," etc. While they had their time together they would usually do the most evil thing ever imaginable... listen to Sting. The relationship lasted long to the eventual point of Satan intending to marry his precious fire. However their relationship had ended when Satan found fire in bed with Steven Colbert.

<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">Fire Safety Is Not A Joke Son
<div style="font-size: 90%; -moz-column-width: 2; -webkit-column-width: 2; column-width: 2; -moz-column-count: 2; -webkit-column-count: 2; column-count: 2"> Fire is very dangerous, you shouldn't run with matches, you could poke someone's eye out for a start. Fire usually comes in flat pack boxes and has to be assembled. Obviously there is a great amount of risk to doing this and the results of poor fire assembly could be devestating, so it has to be done in a safe environment. Therefore it is a legal requirement for all public buildings and places of work to have safe places to assemble fire. Commonly this will be in the form of a designated 'Fire Assembly Point', somewhere at a safe distance from a building.

<span style="color: orange; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20;">See Also
<div style="font-size: 90%; -moz-column-width: 2; -webkit-column-width: 2; column-width: 2; -moz-column-count: 2; -webkit-column-count: 2; column-count: 2"> <div class="nounderlinelink" id="catlinks" style="width: 100%; position: relative; top: 114px; left: -5px; z-index: 5; background-color: #6A1F00; color: yellow; text-shadow: 0 0 4px white, 0 -5px 4px #ff3, 2px -10px 6px #fd3, -2px -15px 11px #f80, 2px -25px 18px #f20; -moz-box-shadow: inset -5px -5px 5px 5px #4F1800; -webkit-box-shadow: inset -5px -5px 5px 5px #4F1800; box-shadow: inset -5px -5px 5px 5px #4F1800; -moz-border-radius: 10px; border-radius: 10px"> Categories :  AGH MY EYES  |  Fire  |  Articles that make me thirsty  |  Disasters  |  Elements  |  Hot  |  Natural hazards  |  Not safe for work  |  Pages that look like the things they're about  |  Thermodynamics  |  Things that want to destroy all people  |  Things Al Gore invented  |  Things That Will Kill You  |  USA's Next Target  |  War on Terra
 * Hell
 * HowTo:Start a Fire
 * Flame War
 * Cow arson
 * Forest Fire Week
 * Fire and Brimstone
 * Fire Truck
 * Spontaneous human combustion
 * This Page Is On Fire
 * Purgatory
 * I burning your dog
 * Effect of Dragons on Global Warming
 * Hug People While You're on Fire Day
 * George W. Bush responds to crisis in California by declaring war on fire
 * HowTo:Deal with Being on Fire
 * Why?:I'm Hot
 * Pyromaniac
 * Arson
 * Firefighter
 * Girl on Fire

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